(Valletta, Malta) The Russian sitting in a seaside cafe looks exactly like one of the guys Denzel Washington waxed in the first and best "Equalizer" movie.

 

Short-cropped hair, unshaven, sullen, he is flanked by two young women cosmetically enhanced and covered with garish tattoos. All three are smoking cigarettes and drinking wine. One of the ladies snaps a picture of a journalist watching the table.

 

For thousands of years, the island nation of Malta, located south of Sicily, one hundred kilometers off the North African coast, has attracted dubious characters.

 

The Ottoman Turks challenged the Knights of Malta and lost, Napoleon got booted, and the Nazis bombed the island for almost two years but never set foot on it.

 

PHOTO GALLERY: O'REILLY IN MALTA 2024

Today, Malta is a major economic success, even though it's the smallest country in the European Union, about the size of Martha's Vineyard, Massachusetts. A bit more than a half million Maltese are packed onto the dry, rocky landmass. The place is crowded but always looking for new blood.

 

With the right connections and a few hundred thousand dollars, you can fly out of here carrying a Maltese passport.

 

Thus, you become kin to the Knights who were granted this land in the early 16th century by big shots in Italy. The Knights of Malta existed to stop rampaging Islamists trying to impose Allah on the Holy Land and parts of Europe. When they weren't fighting for their lives, the Knights were building Catholic Churches. There are 365 of them on Malta including the magnificent Cathedral of Saint John.

 

By the way, legend has it that St. Paul was shipwrecked on Malta on his way to Rome. He stayed just a short time before heading to the Eternal City, where the always entertaining Romans methodically removed his body parts.

 

At present, Malta is 92 percent Catholic, one of only two countries that prohibit all abortions. The Philippines being the other.

Besides that, the social culture is somewhat permissive; pot use is legal, but the authorities here are very tough on guns and migrants. If you carry a handgun, you will be sent to prison. Quickly. And any person entering Malta without a passport is immediately put into detention for eight months. Then they're deported. No wiggle room.

 

Therefore, unlike the rest of Europe, Malta has no problem with illegal aliens. The smugglers don't even bother.

 

But tourists are very welcome and there are hordes of Europeans on the beaches and traipsing around the ancient ruins. Few Americans, however.

 

That's because there are no nonstop flights from the USA. You have to go through places like Frankfurt, which will test your patience. In addition, many Americans don't even know where Malta is.

 

But bad guys all over the world know, which brings us back to the questionable Russian in the cafe. Trust me, he's not touring the churches. Miscreants from all over the world are parking cash in Valletta banks known for "discretion." Their yachts line the Grand Harbor. Fleets of rented Mercedes automobiles run over cats.

There are few places on earth as interesting as Malta. I had breakfast with the Defense Minister and he is one busy guy. Of course, he asked about the upcoming American election, and then I asked him about how the Maltese view our candidates.

Not much reaction to Biden, but Trump gets attention. In general, the Maltese liked his foreign policy (no wars) but not his soft stance on climate change. The entire EU is focused on American politics this year.

 

My brief trip to the Mediterranean was highlighted by a great hotel, The Phoenician, as well as by my local guide who knew everything that I needed to know. This is a key to travel: good hotel, insightful local guidance.

 

The actor Humphrey Bogart gathered some attention when he starred in the 1941 movie: The Maltese Falcon. But Bogie never actually got to Malta itself.

 

I have. It was worth the trip.