Presidents don't usually write their inauguration speeches.  George Washington was an exception the first time around.  His speech was less than 200 words because he had no teeth.  The theme was 'I'm President, so I have to live in New York City, which I hate.  Thanks a lot.'

The other day, Donald Trump told me he'll speak for about 45 minutes. Take the over on that. Advisors have written his speech, but I know what Mr. Trump would LIKE to say, and here it is.

"My fellow Americans, I'm very happy to be back in the White House so I can have an exorcist expel the Biden demons which are running around all over the place using swear words.  As you know, Joe is a ninnyhammer, and now I have to make America great again.  It's exhausting but beautiful.  Already, we've found a number of uncashed checks to Hunter from Albania.  Jill Biden refuses to come out of her powder room, so I've sent Don Jr. up there to tell her it's either Delaware or Greenland, honey.

And what about Kamala!  Momala, Bibbity, Bobitty, Boobala?  She ordered solar panels for the White House, and now we have to send them back. We are drilling, baby, doing that whole Beverly Hillbillies thing. Black gold, Texas tea!

That drilling is noisy, but I don't need rest. I stay up all night thinking about Panama and the mosquitoes that killed Americans down there.  We have to deal with Panama because they overcharge for hats.  That is going to stop, or hell will break out, for sure.

I am supremely honored to be your President again especially because it drives Joy Behar insane.  Not that she had far to go.  The best thing about my victory was seeing Joe and Mika arrive at Mar-a-Lago.  I made them both wear MAGA hats and Joe had to cut the lawn before I let him in.  

Another good thing was Mark Zuckerberg pledging fidelity to me.  I made him do the limbo before he came onto the premises. Elon and Vivek held the bar.  That was great.

So, now I'm the 47th president.  Only Grover Cleveland was reelected to non-consecutive terms.  Did you know his family called him "Uncle Jumbo"?  Big man.  But rough second term.  We won't be repeating that.

No, we are going to make America perspicacious again.  No more Joe and Jill who were over the hill.  I pay my speechwriters very well for coming up with lines like that.

Anyway, thanks for electing me and sticking it to NBC and CNN.  Fake news. But I'm a real guy, the most powerful person in the world.  Far out!

As the restaurant kid said in Fast Times at Ridgemont High: 'Learn it, Know it, Live it.'"

See you around campus.