Man, it's not easy to be a woke progressive these days. So many controversies, so little time to think up ways to justify a far-left lifestyle. It's crazy. So, I am here to help. Here are some rules to lighten the burden of woke Americans.
No criticism of minority communities. Don't do it, ever. The CDC says only about 30 percent of African-Americans have accepted Covid vaccinations. A very low number. Blacks have a reason to be suspicious of authority but, again, ignore the situation. Concentrate on demonizing Trump voters who are anti-vax.
Sometimes you will have to shake your head when President Biden comes up in conversation. But never, ever concede that he may be incompetent. Just deflect back to Trump. The best way to protect your guy Joe is to despise Donald. Easy one, right?
On the collapse of the southern border always play the "compassion card." That makes you noble and then you can dismiss those who would like to see immigration laws enforced as horrible, mean individuals. Have a quote handy from Pope Francis to do this.
But never use the Pope on abortion. He called it "homicide" last week. How dare he? That's an outrage. Fetal heartbeat - doesn't matter. Make it clear that you, the progressive, worship at the altar of reproductive rights. Play the "women's rights" card because you'll draw a straight flush.
Do not, I repeat do not - say you're a socialist. Even if you are. Bernie Sanders has it covered so you don't need to be Leon Trotsky. If someone asks you point-blank 'are you a socialist?' you immediately quote John Belushi ..."nooooooooooo!"
However, you should always point out that billionaires and corporations aren't paying their "fair share." Now, I understand that mantra may be vastly overused but so what? It shuts up those greedy capitalists, right?
Finally, the most important progressive rule is to find offense. This is your daily chore. You must be offended at least five times a day so you can lash out on Twitter against the oppressors. This rule has been very effective on college campuses and is perfect for shutting down opposing points of view. Simply say "I don't feel safe." Then point out who is scaring you and demand they be punished.
This is the core woke rule: no opposition will be tolerated under any circumstances because you are frightened of "micro-aggressions" and have a perfect right to be.
Summing up, I hope all of you progressives feel better, safer, and more "empowered" after hearing these rules. And one more thing. Forget about the Golden Rule that says treat others as you would like to be treated. That's obsolete. Today, it's my way or we bury you under the highway.
An excellent progressive rule for the road, so to speak.
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