The other day a left-wing reporter named Seymour Hersh went on MSNBC and said he had information, provided by the usual anonymous sources, that Dick Cheney was running an assassination squad out of the White House.

I have but one simple observation: If Cheney really had such a crew, Hersh would have been dead a long time ago and so would most everybody at MSNBC.

Would they not?

In the months to come, we can expect all kinds of horror stories from the left about alleged Bush-Cheney atrocities. These will deflect attention from present day problems and provide liberal thinkers with the intense indignation they so desperately need. In addition, the bevy of Bush-Cheney sins will supply the media and individual opportunists with "product." So, in order to get ahead of this inevitable situation, I will now predict some future headlines.

• Newsweek will report that Bernard Madoff has told unidentified friends that it was George W. Bush who actually forced him to develop the $65 billion Ponzi scheme that ruined thousands of people. Friends of Bernie say Madoff was ready to be an honest broker until Bush came to him in a dream and urged him to commit massive financial fraud. Also, Newsweek's "Periscope" feature hears that it was W. who told Jim Cramer to recommend Bear Stearns.
• In his new book Squealing, Jose Canseco writes that he injected George W. Bush with steroids while W. was president of the Texas Rangers and again in the Oval Office immediately before the President met with Speaker Nancy Pelosi. Canseco dismisses claims that W.'s mountain bike regimen kept him toned and says the Iraq invasion was actually caused by "'roid rage."
• The New York Times will run a page-one story saying that after the Iraqi shoe guy embarrassed Mr. Bush in Baghdad, the President, himself, waterboarded the man and kept him tied up in a cold room while looping excerpts from Wolf Blitzer's program at high sound levels. The Times, citing unidentified sources close to the footwear industry, will allege the shoe guy gave up bad information because torture never works.
• Vanity Fair Magazine, in between pictures of Lindsay Lohan partying in Baja, will present a most startling scenario: It was Dick Cheney who contaminated peanut butter with E. coli because, according to anonymous sources speaking only to VF, the VP had "had it" with the kids.
• Finally, Will Ferrell will star in a new movie called "Crawford Nights: The Ballard of Dickie/Georgie." In this film, directed by Oliver Stone, it will be purported that the real head of the Cali drug cartel was George W. Bush, with Dick Cheney as consigliore. The screenplay, written by Sean Penn and Jessica Alba, is being closely guarded, but word is that it will portray Cheney as the guy who provided Michael Phelps with the substance-filled bong.

So, it will likely be a busy 2009 for the Bush-Cheney team. No doubt they are the perfect stimulus package for the far left.